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angelanoctis
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Name: GrACe
Birthday: 6/1/1913
Gender: Female
Interests: Learning about anything and everything
Expertise: Chewing ice, ketchup, eating good food, being emo to the max
Occupation: Student
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
3/5/2003
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| I didn't speak during open mic at 4th year Banquet. I knew I wanted to say something, but I didn't know what I wanted to say at the time. The night after, I finally realized what I would have said. Three months later, I write it here.
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Firstly, before anything else, I wanna recognize and show my appreciation to everyone who lent a hand in putting this banquet together for our 4th year class. I know you don't get recognized often for your serving, and although I don't want to lessen the reward in Heaven waiting for you, I think I speak for all of our class when I say that we are so grateful and honored tonight by all the crazy impressive, absolutely wonderful, truly over-the-top presentations and gifts that we saw tonight and were prepared for us. I'm still amazed and so thankful. Also, a big round of applause to Pastor IJ, who tirelessly and passionately serves this UVA campus year after year. Only after working with him on exec together can I truly attest to how much of a heart PIJ genuinely has for the students that he serves and their souls and spiritual well-being as well. Aileen, also, who always gets mentioned as an afterthought to PIJ, you are truly special and vital to GCF ministry as well in your own right...thank you for your welcoming hospitality, heartwarming care for this body, and your continued prayers. Also, to the exec for all the background logistics, praise team for setting up, MMM for smooth operations, a big shout out to the Slideshow team that probably stood up all night trying to consolidate the past semester's memories into funny captions, the Staff for filling in the gaps everywhere and anywhere needed, and everyone for your prayerful hearts, wonderful baking abilities, and all the smiles and hugs that we receive all the time.
I have learned that the greatest failures of your life remain as such until you direct them to be your greatest successes. I'd like to share some things that I can only share here now, because they have been the greatest struggles of these past 4 years. But because they have been my greatest struggles, I have learned the most from them and I know that these things alone have the potential to be my greatest successes only because they have been my greatest failures in the past; that is, if I have the right attitude and actions to follow.
First lesson: Never let others determine your potential. Not your grades, your professors, your rejections, your GRE/MCAT/LSAT scores, your connections (or lack thereof), your non-existent job offers, your employers (or lack thereof again),...not even your parents or your friends, or what you may believe your value is, in their eyes. There's only a downward spiral waiting at the end of those roads, trust me...I've been down them. I can say that I probably let Eleanor Roosevelt down, who said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Well, I consented...countless times. But I say now, if God puts a dream in your heart, He put it there for a reason. Let Him empower you to follow it with the passion that He provides. All through college, I have seen fear, knelt before it, and succumbed to its debilitating power to near paralysis. Rise up, and overcome fear...God is calling you to stand. And He's calling you to Excellence instead. Excellence reached only if you're willing and open to living out what He made you to do. Let God breathe your dreams into reality.
Secondly, there's been plenty of things said already about finding your "Jonathan" (of course, you being David), or Jonathan having his Armor-Bearer. This, I can understand deeper than most and this is truly one of the greatest, most priceless treasures that can ever be found in life in this world. I believe it. The greatest life goal of a bona-fide "Love Me" (my heart motive) is to find someone to love and to be loved back, in friendship as well. However, after spending many concentrated and futile years of learning over and over again the same lessons that just don't seem to want to stick in my heart and head (even now), there is only One alone that can fill the void of inner loneliness and longing for companionship perfectly. People, being sinners living in this sinful world, will only disappoint. Everyone wants to find the people that you want standing there with you at your wedding as bridesmaids/MOH/groomsmen. But if the quest for that best friend, that person that understands your soul perfectly, that you can entrust the essence of who you are to, ends expecting to find fulfillment in another human, save yourself the grief. True friendship, true brother and sisterhood, can only be established UPON the foundation of a true dependency and trust of the living God. It is only after you fully engage in a personal and love-filled relationship with Love Himself, that you are enabled and empowered to love others both freely and fully. AND, to receive that love to the fullest yourself. I urge you all to really seek God personally during your undergrad years. There, you will find Love...both to receive, and to give out to others around you. It is God working through us with His love and seeing that Love working within and towards each other, that reflects the perfect image of God between imperfect people. And God WILL provide. Trust Him. It's a beautiful thing.
Along the same lines, I again urge you to seek God Himself, despite everything that hinders. Surprisingly, this includes SERVING as well. You MUST know WHO you're serving before you are even able to serve. Meaning, if serving is becoming a hindrance to your personal relationship or time with God, just as you are to cut off your right hand or gouge out your right eye if it causes you to sin (Matt. 5:30), best drop it like it's hot, know what I'm saying? I'm dead serious on this. If you find that serving is stealing your time away from spending time with God, *chop!* remove it. Jesus was the ultimate Servant to others in the spirit of doing the Father's work, but He never let His work trump over His time with the Father Himself. Only after good quality time with the Father did He even try to perform His miracles. God doesn't need you, no matter how bad the situation looks, so don't kid yourself. Serving with a burnt out, bitter attitude gives absolutely no glory to God and offends Him greatly to see such self-righteous pride in such worms as ourselves. Burning out is not an inevitability, especially if you're fueled by an infinite God. It only becomes reality when we use our own finite, meager attempts to serve. Sure, you made a commitment, of course, to serve. But that commitment to other people pales in light of the commitment you made to God to glorify Him with your every action. God will give you strength to persevere and serve with JOY, but it must be an overflow, a result, never the other way around. Serving the Lord is a privilege and the Body is served better by your healthy spiritual life than your deeds without faith. FURTHERMORE, you are called BY GOD to be a STUDENT first and foremost. Without that, you wouldn't even be here. Ensure that this is a priority and you are living out this calling to the fullest.
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Hmm, so I'm sure I'd be alot less eloquent if I just went up to speak and I wouldn't have been able to remember all of this, especially with me being so flustered and stage-fright-y talking into a mic, so I guess I'm glad I got to write it out instead. Hope at least someone comes across it and gets something out of it. Thanks for reading. 
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Hola!
Bonjour! Salvete! Guten Tag! Buongiorno!
꼬니치와! 안녕하세요! And
finally, Greetings
family, friends, faculty, and graduates of the Class of 2005! I am most honored
and privileged to be given this opportunity to welcome you to Western Branch High
School’s Commencement Ceremony here at the Ted Constant Convocation Center, indeed
a true testament to the extent of consideration the officials of our
school community have for their students. This leads me to realize the support
and caring of the WBHS faculty, giving me a sense of reassurance that we have
been well-prepared to face any future obstacles we may encounter.
As
we are suddenly propelled into the next stage of our lives, whether it be
college, the workforce, or a year of deep contemplation on the meaning
of life, our hearts race with excitement and anxiety, some more anxious than
others (especially the parents) and I can’t help but think that
we have absolutely NO IDEA what we have gotten ourselves into. We live
in a world today no longer defined by boundaries or barriers but rather
identified as a global community with each member offering its best to
the rest of the globe. I mean, where would we be without the spicy chicken
chalupa, the Volkswagen Beetle, or karaoke, for that matter? It
would be a dull world indeed. Luckily, thanks to Mr. Al Gore and the
internet, even the sky is not the limit anymore. Therefore, I urge you, my
fellow peers, to seek connections everywhere around you. Take the number of
people you met in high school and multiply it by a hundred. In the chance that
you did not meet anyone in high school, no worries, just add
one and then multiply by a
hundred. My point is, network on a local, regional, and even global level, for
a profound respect for diversity is of the essence in our world today.
A key element that will determine your success in the
future will be the values that you establish in the earlier part of your life.
Some seek wealth, power, fame, or even immortality,
but remember, as Woody Allen once said, “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that
make you want to live to be a hundred.” Seek not the things that are
transient and ever-changing, for these foundations will fall with time; rather,
establish values based on constant and everlasting truths. Benjamin Franklin,
in one of his rare wise moments between flying a kite in a
thunderstorm and attempting to negotiate with the French,
once said, “If a man empties his purse
into his head, no one can take it away from him. An investment in
knowledge always pays the best interest.”
On a final note, I would like to
encourage my fellow graduates to aim high and plunge ahead toward life
goals with passion and unwavering determination while, at the
same time, enjoying the scenery. And if adversity should rear its ugly head, do
not become disheartened; rather, take it with a grain of salt, and
remember, “If you cannot solve it, it is not a problem – it is reality.”
I wish you the best of fortune and success. God bless you all.
- Western Branch High School Graduation 2005, Salutatorian speech, Grace Pyon
commentary soon to follow...
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| Caught in the half-light, I'm caught alone
Waking up to the sunrise and the radio
Feels like I'm tied up, what's holding me?
Just praying today will be the day I go free
I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down
I want to give like I have plenty
I want to love like I'm not afraid
I want to be the man (one) I was meant to be
I want to be the way I was made
Made in Your likeness, made with Your hands
Made to discover who You are and who I am
All I've forgotten help me to find
All that You've promised let it be in my life
<"The Way I Was Made" Chris Tomlin>
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| After having shared in my previous entry that one of my biggest fears is when other people misunderstand me, it has come to my attention recently that one grave "misunderstanding" people have told me they have about me has been one of the sources of my greatest discouragements ever since last year. And the worse thing is, I've brought it upon myself.
Somehow, people have gotten the impression that I'm too busy to spend time with them, hence they're discouraged from even asking me for my time, or trusting that I would even want to spend my precious time with them.
No, this is not related to a certain person or event, but it is the general response I get from people from time to time... "oh yea, we should hang out...but you're super busy, aren't you? It's okay if you don't have time." "Oh, I didn't know you wanted to hang out...I just assumed that you're too busy." "Oh, you wanted to come with us? I didn't ask you cuz you seemed pretty busy..." After which I have a look of confusion on my face that accurately reflects my thoughts of wondering why they would even think that when spending time with them is one of the top ways I would want to spend my time. And then after about 20 more rounds of this...I being to notice a pattern. And then pownage. 
 HOW TRAGIC. I'm horrified at myself and deeply deeply saddened.  What happened and how have I been acting and treating my friends, especially my closest ones, that they feel that I can't and won't spend time with them (especially since my love language is quality time)? All the while, I'm wondering why it always feels like I'm the one that's pursuing other people for them to spend time with me or initiating with others, why doesn't it seem like other people want to make the effort to spend time with me or even ask? I mean, I don't mind doing it because I'm the one that wants it, but sometimes it gets a bit tiring and discouraging to think maybe I'm the only one who wants it. Maybe this has been the reason I've been feeling a bit neglected and disconnected from everyone else.
I realize that the bitterness I feel sometimes is unwarranted towards anyone else but myself. I did this to myself, and to others. Maybe too many broken promises, maybe ignoring them, not caring enough or loving enough. Saying I care but not showing it in my actions.
"Hi, my name is Grace, and I neglect the people I care about the most and that care(d) about me."
How did I go from being the girl who used to be really easy going, who you could always count on to be up for anything, to the person I am now, seemingly too busy that I push away my friends for my own agenda?
I submitted a secret for the wall for PostSecret when the exhibition was here at UVA. I didn't even go back to check if they put it up, but I'll share it with you, Xanga Reader.
"My friends have learned not to trust me...and I don't blame them. I hate that my past continues to affect me even now."
But my past doesn't have to continue to affect my future, right? There must be a way to stop the cycle. As I've been telling people, this year, God's theme this year for disciplining and teaching me is in the area of brother and sister relationships, learning how to edify each in the specific and unique way they need. And boy has He been diligent about teaching me every day, every moment. I think I definitely have so much to learn and grow...how to confront others, how to encourage, how to connect with them and meet them where they're at. I put so much emphasis on honesty in relationships, since to me it's the most important thing EVER in a relationship, yet it's what I have the most trouble with.
Then perhaps, there will come a day, one day, when people will stop assuming that I'm too busy for them. That they'll know that all I really want to do and yearn to do is spend time with them, know them, and love them with all I have. That it's not a sacrifice for me to be with them, but true joy. I know a simple apology would definitely not suffice here, but I hope that somehow, someway, all the wounds and hurts I've caused others will heal and they can finally completely forgive me. I just hope this miraculous act of God will happen before it becomes too late.
"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O heavenly Father, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life."
~ Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi
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| There are moments/days where I act like a brat and get really easily irritated and basically behave like a whiny little baby. Inside. And I know I'm just being a big baby, but I can't stop myself and I just get really annoyed at the world and annoyed at myself for being annoyed with the world. Those days are becoming more frequent as of late. How do you draw the line between expressing how you feel, being vulnerable, letting others see you with your guard down, AND just sucking it up, dealing with matters internally, and being the bigger person about things?
I have a lot of pride issues. Oh yea, so does the rest of the world, welcome to humankind.  But the point is I have them and I can't get rid of them and it's really starting to get on my nerves that I've been unable to kick 'em to the curb for so long.
I wish I had a car. If only I had a car. I wish I had a car. Sure, God gave me a consolation prize this semester with this, but... I wish I had a car. I wish I had a car. I wish I had a car. And the thought beat goes on...every day. About every 13.724 seconds.
I realized I really don't like competition. (...and another reason to add to my list of why med school is not really looking so hot for me right now.) I thought I did (like competition, that is), and at one point in my life, I think I actually had a competitive nature. I think it relates to the pride thing (look above. No, one more. There you go.), but after years of trying to tame my pride and being told that we shouldn't boast of ourselves and our own abilities...I think I went to the other extreme of feeling inadequate, inferior, and fearful and resenting, thinking this is what it means to be "humble." I've forgotten what a healthy image of myself looks like...unless you're referring to the Korean definition of looking "healthy," which they just use as a euphemism to tell you that you're putting a little more pressure on the ground than you used to or what is acceptable to them.
I should stop blaming so many of my problems on the past, but let's face it, the past is what makes me who I am. And if there's one common link to all my problems...it's probably me.
This entry was supposed to be a one sentence entry. I guess this is what happens when you don't keep a journal and you don't have many options for outletting your random thoughts at random times, especially if articulation and communication with other people have been a bit unstable.
<Bonus> My answer to my own "Question of the Moment": What is your fear?
People misunderstanding me, who I am, what I said, my actions, etc etc.
Other answers I received: people in animal costumes and falling acorns.
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